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Jokes 2009-2017

This is a discussion on Jokes 2009-2017 within the Off Topic forums, Tweet “Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with ...

  1. #951
    Toxarch's Avatar
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    “Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

    “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

    “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

    Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

    “Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

    “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

    “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

    “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

    ***Long Pause***

    Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
    Any questions about truck mods I have done need to be asked in the forums. Don't send me a private message about mods cause I probably won't answer that PM unless there is money involved.

    2007 SR5 Crewmax 5.7L 4x4
    Mods: nerf bars, Truxedo tonneau, radar detector power, 3M clear bra, fog lights, black billet grille, rear differential breather, parking sensors, Line-X, power tailgate lock, hood safety latch mod, one off driving lights behind grille, Pioneer NAV w/ OEM camera, CDT 6.5" speakers, Flowmaster 50 SUV dual/dual, blue LED dash lights, Volant CAI, Llumar tint, CompuStar Pro alarm, ProComp 6066 20" wheels, Nitto Terra Grapplers LT305/55/20, OME HD coilover lift, Firestone helper air bags, 55w reverse lights, stereo cable lock, Tekonsha P3 brake controller, colormatched exterior parts (de-chromed truck), Weathertech floor mats, eDead sound proofing, CDT Audio speakers, Custom made speaker brackets, LED foot well lights, PRG/Deaver 3 leaf mini-pack, LED map lights, Air Lift WirelessAir system, Bed LED Lights
    All mod descriptions and pictures © 2007-2014 by Toxarch. They may be copied only for personal use and the mods may be done for non-profit only.


  • #952
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    This morning I staggered into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around my neck. Naturally the doctor asks me what happened.

    "Well, it was like this" I told him. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up her tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."

    "What did you do?", asked the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
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  • #953
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    Three ducks waddle into a bar.

    The bartender says to the first duck, "So what's your name?"
    "Huey", he replies. So how's your day been, Huey?" asks the barkeep.
    "Great! I've been in and out of puddles all day long. Great if you're a duck."

    "Ok, great. And what's your name?" he asks duck number 2.
    "I'm Dewey", he says. "So how's your day been Dewey?"
    "Great!, I too have been in and out of puddles all day long. It's a great day if you're a duck!"

    So the bartender asks the 3rd duck, "So what's your name?....No, no, let me guess. You're Louie, right?"
    The third bats her eyes and says, "No, I'm Puddles!"

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth

  • #954
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    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

    The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on her cell phone. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

    He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

    "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth

  • #955
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    Upon hearing that my elderly grandfather had just passed away, I went straight to my grandparent's house to visit my 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When I asked how my grandfather had died, my grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, I told my grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
    Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream
    truck hadn't come along."

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth

  • #956
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    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an
    affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

    For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked
    as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

    The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
    HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
    HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
    HE paid for your Football season tickets.
    HE paid for our house at the lake.
    HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
    HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
    And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.

    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

    The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.'

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
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  • #957
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    George, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like most of the pros were wearing, so seeing a pair on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so proud of his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.

    Walking into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Mildred, at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

    Frustrated George stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

    Again he asked Mildred, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Mildred looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "George, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, George yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MILDRED?"

    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

    Without missing a beat old Mildred replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth

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    Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.
    After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up.
    So, what is it that’s so important that it can't wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.
    “A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.” begged Hillary.
    “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.” replied President Trump.

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth

  • #959
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    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

    My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

    2015 Tundra Limited Double Cab 4x4 5.7L Super White w/Entune Premium Audio/Nav
    OEM sliding back glass, fender flares, rear camera, step rails, and stainless steel exhaust tip
    Key FOB Tailgate Lock (courtesy Toxarch design)- install to come soon
    AirLift Wireless Air System with Firestone Air Bags- install to come soon
    WeatherTech Floor Liners
    UWS Black Powdercoat Low Profile Toolbox
    Tekonsha Prodigy P3 Brake Controller
    Line-X bed liner from Line-X of Ft. Worth


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